As I walked up the steps to the gym, holding the handrail for support as I shuffled one at a time to the top, I thought this is a workout in itself!
The sense of dread at heading into the packed gym and being judged for what I could and couldn’t do was overwhelming. This was a very unfamiliar feeling for me as I have always felt at home in a gym.
I am an ex-military, qualified personal trainer and now an Osteopath who teaches exercise rehab, yet I felt frightened about going into the gym. I was having a high pain day and didn’t know if I would injure myself or cause more pain. Worse still see someone I knew and have to take the knock to my ego or repeat the same old conversation and explanation. Since my axial SpA (AS) has worsened my body has changed a lot, I have lost muscle and put on some fat, had immense fatigue and really didn’t want to do much. With some new medication and self-care I’m starting to get back to fitness but with slightly altered expectations.
Back pain is not new to me having had it start in my early teens, however my axial SpA (AS) diagnosis is new and my progressively worsening physical symptoms and fatigue have made training hard, I fully understand how important exercise is for helping axial SpA (AS) and I have encouraged people to do it for years, however, being on the other side and feeling like your whole body hurts and having someone say “just try some exercise” is really not helpful!
So cut yourself some slack, if you struggle or are having a day where you just can’t face it that’s OK.
Its my job and I have struggled, I have lost fitness and muscle but found ways to adapt my training to suit what my body needs. Some days I just go for a light swim while on others I can still lift weights. I have found modifying exercises and using machines to be more helpful for me and use the cable machines to adjust the position and keep my joints happy. I also wear a weightlifting belt and wrist and knee wraps which has made a big difference to my pain when training.
Some days I train like a beast, others I’m out of breath before I have even gotten in the gym. So be kinder to yourself, everyone struggles. Taking a friend for support or finding a way to exercise that you enjoy may really help or even try a home workout or a nice walk.
It will get easier on some days so do what you can when you can, and If you’re having a bad day it’s totally acceptable to listen to your body and rest. It’s a great feeling putting my walking stick down and picking up a massive dumbbell, even if it gets a few funny looks, but I have realized that’s not my problem.
Written by Andrew MacMillan who is @andrew_osteopath on instagram
